Monday, April 19, 2010

TIPS ON TRAPPING VERMIN: RATS ROACHES AND SUCH

It is 7:50, Monday morning and I am here with a snoozing Zippy. Rosie at work, cats are roaming. iT IS 35 DEGREES IN hUNTINGTON, iND. AND 66 DEGREES HERE IN pALM hARBOR, fLA.



How to catch a runaway cat:

Chase the Cat. Grab him by the tail. His initial reaction will be to try to pull away. You have about a second before he realizes that isn't working, and whirls around to shred you. That's enough time to grab him with your other hand by the scruff of his neck. Hold on tight, don't let go. Stretch him out and pop him into your burlap bag while saying "Bad Kitty, Bad Kitty!".



How to catch a runaway congressman who just picked your pocket:



Chase the thief. Push him hard with both palms in his shoulder blades. His momentum should make him fall forward. Turn him over, sit on him and pin his arms with your knees. Retrieve your wallet. Get in his face and shout as loud as you can:"Bad Congressman, Bad Congressman!" Then leave him in the dust.



How to catch a runaway dimocrat Senator who has just stolen your great grandchildren's allowance to spend on welfare for illegal immigrants:



Chase the moron. They can't run fast as most are old and fat. Trip him up with your leg. Once they are down, they are like turtles on their back, they can't get up. Pin an American flag pin on their lapel. They will probably hiss "It burns, it burns" and you may see a little smoke. Pay it no mind. Stand over them and shake your forefinger at them and say in a firm voice: "Bad Senator, Bad Senator!" Retrieve the quarter they took. Then help them up, dust them off, point them to the nearest tavern, and send them on their way with a swift but gentle kick in their arse.


GO GATUH!

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